Everyone always says that when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. But what if what you really want is a nice spot of boba tea? lol. 

Terrible analogy aside, you get the drift.

So for those of you who don’t know, I just turned 28. And I’m a little lost with life, to be honest.

Before this comes off as me being an unappreciative bitch lol I just want to clarify that I’m grateful for everything that I have; because I don’t think I’m in a bad place at all. I enjoy what I do most of the time (which is more than can be said of most people), and my career progression is on the up and up. My bosses seem to see something in me and I haven’t been fired yet so I must have SOME potential and ability. In fact, they’re ready to give me additional responsibilities. The thing is, I’m unsure if I’d be able to deliver.

Being an INTP, I’ve always been a perfectionist; and I strongly believe in the adage that if you want to get something right, you have to do it on your own. I have a real problem relinquishing or delegating tasks to other people. I’ve never liked leadership roles, but for some reason people keep thrusting me into it because nobody else wants to step up lol. In times like these, I stress myself out to the max because I’m constantly worried if things would get done on time, or if my team members would be able to do a good job. Also, if I have a task that’s uncompleted I get extremely anxious. With the new role, this is basically going to be what I’ll have to face every single day. And I’m not sure if I’m up for it.

Again, I’m very grateful that I have good people around me, who have been supportive and given me the opportunity to learn and move up. I know plenty of people who would thrive in such circumstances. But deep down inside, I don’t know if I am such a person. To be completely honest, I think I’d be happy just being a normal writer doing stories all my life.

Maybe that’s what differentiates me from people who do ‘great things’. I know a good friend who is very ambitious  – and even though she’s the same age as me, her career success is what most people can only dream of in a lifetime. She admits to being driven because she wants better things in life. The problem with me is I tend to be contented with what I have. It’s a double edged sword because on one hand, I’m kinda happy; on the other, I’m broke. lol. Material may not be everything, but with my parents aging and my mom’s condition in particular, I’m not carefree enough to say “Money ISN’T Everything.” Sure, it isn’t – but if you don’t have money you’re screwed too.

I talked to my mom about this whole thing and she said it was ‘normal’ to move on to the next step because “you don’t want to be writing all your life, do you?”

But what if that’s really what I want? I don’t want to disappoint anyone, but at the same time, I don’t want to do something that I know wouldn’t be a right fit for my personality. Then there’s also the thing where I have to provide for my parents since they’re getting old, and obviously a normal writer’s salary wouldn’t do much – I’m already slaving away at two writing jobs as it is.

Sigh, dilemmas. Wish I could be like this guy and just live on an island.