Protected: Dealing With Self Doubt and The Fear Of Failure

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Given The Choice… What Life Would You Live?

Everyone always says that when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. But what if what you really want is a nice spot of boba tea? lol. 

Terrible analogy aside, you get the drift.

So for those of you who don’t know, I just turned 28. And I’m a little lost with life, to be honest.

Before this comes off as me being an unappreciative bitch lol I just want to clarify that I’m grateful for everything that I have; because I don’t think I’m in a bad place at all. I enjoy what I do most of the time (which is more than can be said of most people), and my career progression is on the up and up. My bosses seem to see something in me and I haven’t been fired yet so I must have SOME potential and ability. In fact, they’re ready to give me additional responsibilities. The thing is, I’m unsure if I’d be able to deliver.

Being an INTP, I’ve always been a perfectionist; and I strongly believe in the adage that if you want to get something right, you have to do it on your own. I have a real problem relinquishing or delegating tasks to other people. I’ve never liked leadership roles, but for some reason people keep thrusting me into it because nobody else wants to step up lol. In times like these, I stress myself out to the max because I’m constantly worried if things would get done on time, or if my team members would be able to do a good job. Also, if I have a task that’s uncompleted I get extremely anxious. With the new role, this is basically going to be what I’ll have to face every single day. And I’m not sure if I’m up for it.

Again, I’m very grateful that I have good people around me, who have been supportive and given me the opportunity to learn and move up. I know plenty of people who would thrive in such circumstances. But deep down inside, I don’t know if I am such a person. To be completely honest, I think I’d be happy just being a normal writer doing stories all my life.

Maybe that’s what differentiates me from people who do ‘great things’. I know a good friend who is very ambitious  – and even though she’s the same age as me, her career success is what most people can only dream of in a lifetime. She admits to being driven because she wants better things in life. The problem with me is I tend to be contented with what I have. It’s a double edged sword because on one hand, I’m kinda happy; on the other, I’m broke. lol. Material may not be everything, but with my parents aging and my mom’s condition in particular, I’m not carefree enough to say “Money ISN’T Everything.” Sure, it isn’t – but if you don’t have money you’re screwed too.

I talked to my mom about this whole thing and she said it was ‘normal’ to move on to the next step because “you don’t want to be writing all your life, do you?”

But what if that’s really what I want? I don’t want to disappoint anyone, but at the same time, I don’t want to do something that I know wouldn’t be a right fit for my personality. Then there’s also the thing where I have to provide for my parents since they’re getting old, and obviously a normal writer’s salary wouldn’t do much – I’m already slaving away at two writing jobs as it is.

Sigh, dilemmas. Wish I could be like this guy and just live on an island. 

The Next Step


Changes in life are as inevitable as the existence of pepperoni pizza, or that one lowlife jerk all classes seem to have in college.

At some point in life we all undergo change, whether it’s physically (a child hitting puberty and discovering that first Playboy magazine) or emotionally (teen angst in high school). The point is, change is inescapable no matter how much some humans want their lives to be mundane, routine and stolidly safe. Most people dislike change.

We don’t like to be told that our daily newspaper delivery has been disrupted because the paper boy broke a leg on his bike, or that the bus broke down and you’ll be late for work, or that they ran out of your favourite spaghetti at the luncheon you always go to.


There have been a lot of changes to me as a person since I went to England last year to finish my degree. I was away from home for the first time in my life, having to do everything on my own, including setting up my banking and internet accounts, cooking (gasp!), getting groceries and daily necessities; things I’ve always taken for granted when I was at home. It was an awesome experience to be in a foreign land, alone, experiencing a whole new culture. I learnt to be more independent. That was a major change.

Another big change that happened was when my boyfriend of five years broke up with me earlier this year. We had been drifting apart for over a year, so I can’t say I didn’t see it coming. It was mutual: we both felt that we had changed since our high school days, and it was time to move on and meet different people.

I’m turning 23 in less than a month. It’s a scary thought. 23 is much closer to ‘mid-twenties’.. and from then on it’s all downhill, baby. Time flies as you age, and before you know it you’ll be 40 and not an inch closer to what you thought you’d be back when you were a fresh young 20-year old sapling, ready to take on the world with endless optimism and hope.

It’s funny how I had so many dreams when I first started college. I chose journalism because I liked writing, and I thought of becoming a writer when I graduated. Well technically as a journalist, I AM a writer. I don’t dislike my job, but I don’t love it either. To me, it’s a job: something to pay bills with and keep warm food on my table.  I like writing and telling stories; it’s just that lately I’ve been thinking if this is really the job for me. Or maybe journalistic writing isn’t my cup of tea. Sometimes I dread going to work. And that can’t be a good sign, right?

Thing is, when people ask me what I want to be, I don’t have a friggin’ clue. I’d like to say I want to be an author, but can I really quit my dayjob to be one? Will I starve to death? How many people actually score big being an author? JK Rowling and the like are probably one among MILLIONS of aspiring writers who dream to have just ONE bestseller that will change their life forever. I read so much good material (even here on WordPress!) and I wonder if I should even put my shitty writings online *digs hole and hides face wtf*.

But at the same time stuff like 50 Shades of Grey somehow worm their way into selling out entire shelves at bookstores, and I question the sanity of mankind *inserts I-don’t-want-to-live-on-this-planet-anymore meme*.

Someone suggested to me to get a stable income job, like being a lecturer, seeing as how I apparently have a talent for teaching. I’ve thought of getting a Teaching English as a Foreign Language course and just relocating to some other ASEAN country to teach English, but these countries naturally have a high demand for native English speakers, and no matter how good my English is, I’m still Asian. And I know most Asians in Asia have a bias-ness towards their own kind as opposed toangmoh (white people).

I thought of picking up an art degree, seeing how my original plan was to take up illustration. That was quashed because my parents thought I would never make a living as an artist. The price of a good Illustration diploma comes to about RM30,000, which is a few years worth of salary if I didn’t eat or spend on anything at all. Yep.

….Then I thought of starting up an independent business selling whatever creative crap I can offer to people, but I have nothing.

I guess I’m doomed to my job at the moment. But at 23, I need to really start thinking about where my life is headed. I won’t be in my 20s forever, and the twenties is the time to really go all out to work for what I want.

Trouble is, I don’t even know what I want. (I want some cake. Does anyone have cake?)



I hope turning 23 will bring about a fresh new change.

Or else, I’ll just have to make one.