Okay. I have to write this down quickly before I start forgetting details. Anyway.
Batman vs Superman is one of the worst films of all time.
Aside from the B-grade sounding title (which I can forgive because Hollywood seems to have run out of creative juice lately), the movie is an absolute mess.
First of all, let me clarify that I’ve never been a fan of either the DC or the Marvel universe. Sure, I’ve watched a couple of old Batman films here, and odd Spiderman/Iron Man there… but I don’t follow the series religiously, especially since they’ve been churning out sequels faster than one can poop these days.
Coming back to BvS, friends (and good ol’ movie review sites) have posted on how bad the film is. But becoz my movie buddy Simon had free tickets and this was the only one showing on a Thursday night, we thought why the hell not, right?
The movie has so much stuff that makes no sense, I will try to summarise as best as I can lol.
We begin the film with Batman’s parents being murdered by some random thug. Fast forward to about 18 months before the film officially ‘starts’, and we see Superman fighting fellow alien Zod, causing massive destruction to Earth and destroying Wayne’s HQ + killing some employees. The OTT intro; buildings exploding left and right while Wayne navigates the roads – no biggie – was similar to that scene in 2012 where everything except the hero’s car gets obliterated. Figures.
From then on, Batman has a big ol grudge against our man in the spandex.
Fast forward again to the present day, and journalist Lois Lane is in Nairomi, Africa (much original, so wow, at least make the effort to come up with a fictional African place name instead of lazily changing one letter) to interview a terrorist. Long story short, shit goes down, Superman comes to save her and gets a whole village of innocent people slaughtered, but because he is an asshole, all he cares about is banging Lois in the bathtub afterwards.
People come forward to accuse Superman of not giving a shit that his actions are causing harm, which is exactly what Superman does – not give a shit. Batman reads all this stuff and goes ‘Superman is a threat to humanity and must be stopped.’
Meanwhile, Lex Luthor, a billionaire’s son (this version seems more like the Joker than Luthor from the comics), imports kryptonite, claiming to be able to manufacture weapons to use as a deterrent against potential Kryptonian attacks. He gets access to General Zod’s body, slices off his fingerprints and uses them to gain access to the Kryptonian ship. There he finds a Kryptonian Siri who teaches him the knowledge of a 100,000 worlds (which, towards the end of the film, seems to have no bearing to the story – Lex does not suddenly use this knowledge for anything). Instead, he decides to make Doomsday, a brutish creature that looks like it walked off a Lord of the Rings set.
Lex invites a bunch of people to a party, where Batman and Superman meet as their alter egos for the first time. Clark Kent thinks Bruce Wayne is up to no good (which was true, as Wayne was gonna steal some data shit from Luthor) but halfway through tailing him, sees a kid in a building on fire somewhere in South America and flies off. Wayne bumps into Wonder Woman, who is looking for a photo of herself from 1918 which Lex has in his archived research of metahumans.
After all this randomness, the story basically progresses where Batman’s grudge grows stronger and stronger against Superman, some other exploding scenes, Batman steals Kryptonite from Lex Luthor and fashions it into weapons to fight against the Man of Steel, while Luthor laughs in the back because Batman is a gullible dumbass. Lex kidnaps Superman’s adoptive mom Martha, and forces him to fight against Batman.
So instead of explaining to Batman about the whole situation, dumbass Superman starts off with ‘You have to listen to me, there is not much time’ – which allows Batman to sucker punch him first, followed by Superman deciding that he would beat up Batman instead. After a good 10-minute fight, Superman is finally weakened and goes ‘You have to save Martha!’ – which happens to be Batman’s mom’s name as well. Lois Lane pops up out of nowhere and goes ‘It’s his mother’s name!’ B and S become best friends. Batman goes to save Superman’s mum.
And then Doomsday is revived. Wonder Woman sees this on the plane where she was about to go back into hiding, and decides to fk it and go fight instead. Cue slow shots of Gal Gadot and epic music. More exploding buildings, fight, Superman dies and saves the world, is remembered as a hero. The end.
I know this is a superhero film, but BvS stretches logic to the limit. The storytelling is the worst part of the film – choppy, and scenes have no bearing to the story (the part where Bruce Wayne emails Wonder Woman, she looks at it and then that part of the story just gets cut off for no apparent reason; or that part where Batman dreams about a world where Superman has gone rogue coz of Lois Lane and some random time travelling dude screaming ‘come find us!’) Made no sense to me.
The funniest part was the Batman vs Superman fight. Super unnecessary, and the most logic-defying part? When Superman says ‘Martha, save Martha’ and they suddenly become best friends coz their mums share the same name. It would have saved everyone a lot of trouble if you spoke up sooner, Superman. And Batman, stop being a stupid btch.
The best part of the film is the Wonder Woman soundtrack. Ben Affleck’s acting wasn’t that bad, actually. Superman’s character was just a pompous, attention-seeking prick.
It made 500mil at the box office though – it might have come from people like me who know its bad and wanted to watch to see how bad it is.